Insecure Partner Drains Relationship: Jealousy and Possessiveness

February 18th, 2010 |

Are you in a relationship with someone who is excessively jealous? Maybe when you first got together the jealousy looked like your lover was really into you. Later it began to be a drain on your energy. What seemed like passion at first has become a constant battle. Maybe your partner told you that s/he had been cheated on by a previous lover. You figure it would make sense to feel insecure about someone new.

Eventually, this behavior takes such a toll on you that you may be looking for a way out. The jealous lover creates a self-fulfilling prophesy. Not that you intend to cheat or have ever cheated on your partner. But you may be losing the love that you once felt.

Jealousy is often the result of insecurity. Take a look at this checklist and see whether you are dealing with an insecure partner:

Checks my phone to see who I called
Goes through my purse or wallet to look for evidence that I’m cheating
Asks me who I need to smell good for when I wear cologne or perfume
Doesn’t want me to wear certain clothing
Watches me like a hawk in social gatherings
Always wants to do things with me and doesn’t trust me to go out with my friends or colleagues
Accuses me of flirting
Accuses me of cheating
Follows me when I leave the house
Checks the mileage of my car
Times me from the office to the house
I spend way too much time defending and explaining my behavior
I’m constantly trying to calm and reassure my partner

Keep in mind that if you are in a relationship with a jealous person and you’ve done nothing to create those feelings of jealousy (you haven’t cheated, flirted outrageously, or done any dishonorable behavior) you may be dealing with an extremely insecure person. What happened in your partner’s past is not your fault, but will remain your problem as long as you are together.

If you are willing to work with your insecure partner to create a calmer and more secure relationship, for both your sakes, it is possible to do, although it will take some time and energy. The first step is acknowledging that there is a problem. My next article will address some ways you can accomplish this.

Meanwhile, you can bring back the magical spark to your relationship and fall in love all over again. Learn to co-create passion that lasts a lifetime with True Love Relationship Coaching calls for couples. http://trueloverelationshipcoaching.com.

Posted in Relationships |

Tags: bad relationship habits, help your marriage, insecurity, jealousy, relationship training

http://www.tclehner.wordpress.com Tom Lehner

The main question remains for me is how far is it a healthy jeliousy and when does it become a unhealthy jeliousy?

For me I would never go through a womans purse (that is a miracle land for any man anyway) but I also dont see any reason why I should not pick up my spouses cell phone if she is not there or vise versa of course the same – I dont see any reason why she should not pick up my phone . I also dont see anything wrong on asking eachother, should somebody call or Text I dont know, who is the other person.

I cant wait to read the next post to get the conclusion.
http://www.trueloverelationshipcoaching.com Michelle Vasquez

Unhealthy jealousy is keeping a constant vigil to make sure your spouse is not doing you wrong. Checking her phone to track who she is calling is different than what you’re describing. Jealous people can go to extreme lengths to spy on each other.
http://www.trueloverelationshipcoaching.com Michelle Vasquez

I’m glad my writing skill is improving according to the comments! That is good to know. I do this for a living; I’m a relationship coach working with singles and couples to help them get unstuck when looking for love and keeping love. I appreciate the comments and I appreciate you, Michelle
Anonymous

I appreciate your article, but I think this information is potentially dangerous. I understand the context might only be intended to address mild forms of jealousy, however, too many items on your checklist are considered stalking, indicative of a serious personality disorder; and are SERIOUS red flags (a.k.a. STALKING?!).

Jealousy is the third most common motive for murder in the United States. Advising the accused partner to “create a calmer and more secure relationship” can create a very unhealthy dynamic. It is virtually impossible to make an insecure partner feel more secure. The jealous party needs to develop a healthier self-esteem and seek counseling. They likely have identity issues that need to be addressed. Advising the accused partner to evaluate their behavior seems like logical/rational advice, but DANGEROUS if they are with a narcissistic, borderline, sociopathic, etc. personality: giving in to jealousy and controlling behavior is the most dangerous thing you can do. In fact, most of these types of personalities are quite capable of manipulating your sense of reality and specifically seek to attack your self esteem, by making false accusations or making you BELIEVE that you did something wrong. Women are especially vulnerable to this type of manipulation. Please seek help if you are with a dangerous jealous man or woman. Your life can be at risk at any moment, ESPECIALLY WHEN YOU TRY TO LEAVE!!!

If your partner is jealous enough to be monitoring you and stalking you: get out. Create an exit plan and remove yourself before it’s too late. Even if your partner only needs to improve their self-esteem: remaining with any type of codependent person is enabling behavior that could be potentially psychologically, emotionally, and even life-threateningly dangerous. Let’s be honest. Mild jealousy doesn’t cause snooping. If a partner is mildly jealous and has self-confidence and you have a strong relationship: they will be capable of talking to you openly about it. An explanation and reminder that you love them is PLENTY enough. Most healthy people don’t mind if their partner is attractive: in fact it’s a compliment. Anyone who can’t talk openly about their feelings shouldn’t be in a relationship anyways, because they can’t relate! Counseling will help: then you can date.

Thank you again for your article, but please, be careful. This is not a light topic by any means and you could influence victims of serious abuse to try to “work on” a relationship that has serious consequences, when they should actually be focused on getting out. Jealous partners often beat down their partner’s self esteem until the partner can no longer function and often suffer from isolation and can not remove themselves from the abuse due to a lacking support system. Mild jealousy can be an early warning sign. Borderlines and Narcissists tend to start of wonderful… and progressively become more and more dysfunctional and abusive in relationships. You end up thinking you are the one that’s crazy.

Thank you again… but please include some links that address abuse. Jealousy is not a mild issue.
http://www.trueloverelationshipcoaching.com Michelle Vasquez

Thank you for your concern, Anonymous. I am well aware of off the chart crazy-type behavior. I worked for many years with the Family Violence Prevention Services. I am not addressing the people two standard deviations beyond the norm of the bell curve, however. I’m addressing normal feelings of jealousy, which we all have in small doses at some time or another.

I often tell people that if they feel they are in danger they need to call 911 or the Domestic Violence hotline. I do not condone violence. At any rate, your words of concern are noted.
http://jealousyquotes.org Shana

I just care for my own partner sooo much plus he is indeed outstanding for me. I love every little thing about him. The only problem though, is he is friends with too many young women and I can’t stand knowing that he has been talking to a bunch of girls besides myself. I hate being jealous. I’m trying to just ignore the jealousy but I can’t. Please help me out. Thanks.
http://www.trueloverelationshipcoaching.com Michelle Vasquez

Shana, it’s important to distinguish between a friendly man who enjoys being around people and a man who craves the attention of women. I don’t know if your partner was a “lady’s man” before you met him; maybe that was what made him attractive at first, but now it grates on you and pushes insecurity buttons.

Is he faithful? Can you tell without resorting to spying on him? Is he insecure and needs the attention of many women to feel good about himself?

If you know he is being faithful, it’s easier to decide to trust. Is this more about your feelings of insecurity? Sometimes when you can answer these questions you can help yourself figure out whether this is more about you or about him.