Relationships: Blame or Learn? You Decide

April 6th, 2010 |

You’ve heard the expression “It takes two to tango.” It usually refers to the idea that when something goes wrong in relationships, both parties are responsible. Too often when couples are in conflict, they tend to blame each other for their troubles. In doing so, they risk passing up learning something that will help them improve their relationship.

Blaming your spouse when you are in conflict is a normal, natural, knee-jerk reaction. Unfortunately, it is at best unhelpful and at worst destructive to your marriage. Your ego doesn’t want to be wrong, so it protects itself. OK, that makes sense.

But does it help you get closer to your spouse? Probably not. Does it help you resolve the conflict? Definitely not, unless your spouse is the type to apologize instantly. Still, I can guarantee that if your spouse apologizes whether right or wrong, there is bound to be lots of resentment hidden beneath the surface.

What if you decided to do something radically different? What if, instead of automatically blaming your spouse, you looked at how you are contributing to the conflict? “But I am not,” you say. OK, if you are convinced you are totally free of responsibility, stop reading now and keep doing what you are doing.

Oh. You’re still here. Great! Here are some questions I want you to consider that can help you stop (or at least slow down) the blame game:

What was happening right before we got into conflict?
Is there a certain time of day in which we tend to get into conflict?
Is this a pattern?
Is there something I tend to say that sets off my spouse? (Trigger words, expressions, tone of voice, certain subjects)
Am I really angry or is some other emotion coming through? (Fear is often expressed through anger)
How am I contributing to the conflict?
What might I do differently that could reduce the conflict?
Am I willing to let this go?

Answer these questions based on a recent or recurrent conflict. You may be surprised at the answers you come up with. Of course, you may also find that you need some extra help. That is where Relationship Coaching comes in handy.

I invite you to get my free report, “Want to Improve your Marriage?
Get Rid of These Seven Deadly Habits” at http://trueloverelationshipcoaching.com. Scroll down on the right hand side and you’ll find it there. Also, check out http://truelovesavemarriage.com.

Posted in Musings about Relationships |

Tags: blaming your spouse, marriage, marriage conflict, resolve marriage conflicts

http://www.musiclyricsnow.net/newAdditions3.php Billboard Lyrics

Hey this is a great article. I’m going to email this to my friends. I stumbled on this while surfing for some some free stuff, I’ll be sure to come back. thanks for sharing.
http://www.trueloverelationshipcoaching.com Michelle Vasquez

Thanks for dropping by. I appreciate your comments! Michelle
http://www.donnajmartin.com Donna

Michelle, These are great questions that many of my clients find difficult to answer, but they go to the heart of much of the conflict couples experience. When each partner finds the courage to answer them honestly, in spite of the difficulty they encounter when admitting they may be contributing to the problem, they really begin to heal their relationship. Thanks for putting these out there. You present a great opportunity for couples to help themselves!

Donna
http://www.trueloverelationshipcoaching.com Michelle Vasquez

Donna, you do such wonderful therapy with couples. I appreciate your reply; it’s great to hear from you. I miss our lunch meetings at the Golden Wok!

I appreciate you, Michelle
http://www.donnajmartin.com Donna

I miss you too. You’re one great therapist as I’ve personally and professionally experienced. Yes, you’re moving to California is the Golden Wok’s loss. Mine and your clients too. I’m missing an old friend and your former clients are missing a terrific therapist. Best of luck and success. I’ll keep checking in on your website. It’s very nicely done and extremely informative. Donna
http://www.trueloverelationshipcoaching.com Michelle Vasquez

You know I’m still getting calls from former clients and new ones who don’t realize I’ve moved. I’m sending them your way.

I’m glad you like what I’m writing and I would love you to contribute your words of wisdom as often as you like. Thanks, Donna! Michelle
http://www.tclehner.wordpress.com Tom Lehner

Michelle,
as usual this is one great post and advice, and honestly should I really find me the love of my life I so desire, thanks to you now I already know more about how to make my next marriage work than I knew before. But that is because I read all your postings and advices and I am pre-prepared. Something I have not been before in my first marriage. Bottom line is that I am not a professional coach but a good friend and a lot of my friends have marital problems and cry on my shoulder.

Ok I admit I am using your insights to pass on to them. But one question has come up to me this week when a friend asked me: How come you (meaning me) can listen and have such a clear point of few?; I told her one of the reasons is that I am an outsider, not emotionally involved while she and her husband are very well emotional involved.
And that makes it so hard not to play the “Blame-Game” in a conflict. Most conflicts and arguments are piled up conflicts and those crash with overwhelming emotions off which make it difficult for couples not to play the same “Blame-Game”. It is like an explosion of emotions.
Everything you list is exactly the issues that should be avoided in order to avoid the blame game.

I pass this your teachings on to my friends (promoting your site – as usual) because you are SO WHAT OF RIGHT WITH EVERYTHING YOU SAY and knowing I am repeating myself thanks to YOU now I know in my next marriage how to be a better husband.
Thank you.
http://www.trueloverelationshipcoaching.com Michelle Vasquez

Tom, I am glad you find this information valuable enough to tell your friends. I really appreciate that! That’s the best compliment you can give me. And you are right. The emotional distance makes it easier to see clearly. Thanks for your support and your feedback!

I appreciate you, Michelle

True Love Relationship Coaching

Relationships: Blame or Learn? You Decide