What’s New?

Have you gotten your e-book/audio?

Happy marriage don't just "magically appear." You can, however, create them.

Do you have what it takes to create a successful marriage? Emotional maturity is something some folks never accomplish, no matter how many years they live. I propose that immaturity, self-centered behavior, and the desire for instant gratification are three reasons why marriages fail. All of these behaviors combined with the attitude of “if it does not work out, we will just go our separate ways” contribute to a high divorce rate.

What is emotional immaturity? Some people live by the maxim, “I may grow old, but I refuse to grow up.” This may be humorous when seen on a T-shirt, but when people take this attitude into their marriages, they are setting themselves and their relationship up for misery. This does not mean that you have to be serious all the time; far from it. It just means that you cannot allow your emotions to rule you and to affect how you behave toward your spouse.

Self-centered behavior is not the same as taking care of yourself. You must take care of yourself if you are going to be fully present for your loved ones. No, being self-centered or selfish is all about the “me first” attitude. “My needs are more important than yours” is the rally cry of the self-centered person. A self-centered person tends to criticize and blame rather than looking at her/his own behavior. A self-centered person sees nothing wrong with manipulating her spouse to get her way. A self-centered person thinks nothing of putting his family in danger by drinking and driving.

What about instant gratification? Since the advent of fast food, we seem to have become more of an instant gratification society. “I want it in 30 seconds and I want it hot and tasty and inexpensive.” For some people, if everything is not perfect and to their liking, they tend to resort to complaints about their marriage. They think of their marriage like fast food instead of fine dining. It becomes a disposable commodity instead of something to be treasured and enjoyed.

Marriage requires maintenance to make it successful. It will require extra work if you are engaging in these damaging behaviors. The good news is that you, too, can create a happier marriage if you are willing to begin with yourself. Are you willing to put in the time and energy to help your marriage become a strong one? If so, you can do it. You do not have to do it alone; relationship coaching can help.

Are you ready to improve your marriage? Relationship coaching can help you create a happy and healthy marriage. You can begin with this e-book and audio about 10 secrets for creating the marriage of your dreams. Click here to learn more.

Ask me that burning relationship question!

Ask Michelle Anything is a free webinar that repeats every week. During these webinars, you can write or call in to ask me anything about relationships.

• Wondering how to find the lost passion in your marriage?
• Thinking you are too ________ (fill in the blank with your adjective of choice) to find love again?
• Still all broken up over your breakup?
• Feeling the pain of losing your beloved and wondering if it will every end?
• Certain all the good ones are taken?

All relationship questions are valid, whether

• you have been married for decades and looking to spice up your love life
• you have lost your soul mate and are grieving, yet thinking you might like to date again
• you have survived a painful divorce and are wondering what to do next
• you have been engaged for 5 years and question whether he will ever commit

You get the idea. We are all in some sort of a relationship, either platonic or intimate. Here’s your chance to pick my brain. I’ve heard it all in my 18 years working with clients as a therapist and then as a coach.

What is your burning question? Sign up today and ask me.

Ask Michelle Anything webinars are the first and third Tuesday evenings and the second and fourth Saturday mornings. Don’t fret if you cannot attend live; they are recorded and I’ll send you the replay.

I hope you’ve had a pleasant week. Here’s to an exciting or relaxing weekend, whatever works best for you! Do you know someone who could benefit from relationship coaching? If so, please forward this message to them and let them know about the free Get Acquainted session they are welcome to sign up for. Thanks!  

What I’m excited about this week!

Over the years my clients have told me repeatedly that I should write a book. My late husband, Al, said I had to write a book. My friends have encouraged me to write a book. So, I’ve begun my writing process with an audio book about marriage. It’s not a big book, but it is a book. An e-book, to be specific, along with an audio.   I’ve been working on this audio book all week so I could tell you about it today! It’s called

Making a Happier Marriage Today:
Ten Secrets for Creating the Marriage of Your Dreams.

I’m offering it, along with the e-book, at an incredibly affordable price. Click here to learn more.

What’s New?

I’ve been working on my audio project, getting my late husband’s Toastmaster speeches together so that I can record them. I don’t want his words of wisdom, hope, and inspiration to remain sitting in my computer. I believe the world needs Al Vásquez’s message and I intend to bring it out, dust it off, and offer that message to you very soon. I wrote about it recently and asked for your comments. I did get some wonderful feedback, which I really appreciate. That post is here.

Last Friday I celebrated Al’s memory and life with my new husband, Javier and you an read the blog post here.

Upcoming events:

Free webinars are always recorded, so if you’re signed up and cannot attend you can listen at your leisure as I will send you the replay, but only if you sign up!

Weekly webinar where you can pick my brains about any relationship question you can think of.

Ask Michelle Anything…about dating while shy. Saturday, August 28 9:00am pacific/noon eastern If you are not signed up already for this free weekly webinar about all things relationships, sign up here.  

Monthly webinar with Rev. Elaine Torrance-Gingrich
This month’s topic:
Life after Loss…to date or not to date. Tuesday, August 31 5:00pm pacific/8:00pm eastern
If you’re not yet signed up for this fun and informative monthly webinar, Sign up here.

On Tuesday, September 7 I have a special guest, Kristine Castro. She will be giving us a Conversational Tour of her Everlasting Honeymoon Program. If you are signed up to receive notices about the Ask Michelle Anything webinars, you don’t need to do a thing; I’ll remind you. If not, sign up here.

I appreciate you, Michelle

I’m doing something new and you get to be the first to see it. That is, unless you are receiving this message as a plain text email. If what you see looks like a page of my web site, then you are seeing the newthing I’m up to today.

On tap for Saturday, August 28, is the next Ask Michelle Anything webinar.

You and I are like two little kids walking down the same road. We choose to keep the same pace so that we remain side by side. We like each other’s company and, besides, walking side-by-side has the added benefit that when either one of us trips, the other is there to help. Isn’t that the whole point?

Adalberto Vásquez, 1945-2007

What a friendly goat! This picture has nothing to do with the interview; I just like it!

Today Iuliana Lixandru interviewed me on Voice America. Here is a link to the interview. She asked me questions about relationships, singles, widows finding love after loss, limiting beliefs that keep people single.

We talked about Choice Theory, which is something that I love to teach my clients, conflict resolution, choosing a mate wisely. Iuliana asked some excellent questions and kept me on my toes!

Have you gotten your free audio on the Seven Steps to Finding Love after Loss? Get it now. Schedule your free Get Acquainted session with Michelle by filling out the Contact Us form.

Unfortunately, many people do not have a clue about how to deal with conflict. Instead of learning relationship skills, they rely on their default behavior from childhood. They act pretty much the same way they acted when they were children and were watching the dysfunctional behavior of their parents or adult caregivers. They will tell you that their behavior is your fault. They will fold their arms and jut out their lip in a defiant pout and yell, “This is the way I am; do not expect me to change.”

You are living in an emotional situation and it is painful. You do have options. While you cannot fix your loved one, you can work on your reactions to this unfortunate behavior. Here are some things you can do to help yourself feel better when you are facing yet another crisis followed by days or weeks of grudge-holding silent treatment.

Let go of the outcome. Realize that the silent treatment is an attempt to punish you. Your loved one wants to make you feel as miserable as s/he feels and in the past this has been an effective weapon, so it gets used again and again. You can disarm this weapon. Decide now that you will let go of the need to reconnect with your loved one. When your loved one is finished acting out this default behavior is up to him/her.

Take care of yourself. Use the silent time to reflect on your own behavior. What could you do differently to improve your behavior? Notice I did not say “What could you do to stop the silent treatment?” You can always improve yourself. Do it for yourself and for your relationship. It is not your job to fix your loved one. You do not need to learn how to change yourself so that you are more acceptable or submissive. It is unhealthy for you to stop expressing your thoughts and feelings.

Do things with friends, family, or even by yourself that help you to feel better. Focus on projects you have been meaning to get back to. Take a class, start a new hobby, go to the movies, read a new book. If you decide that your loved one’s behavior means you are a bad person, you really need to get a reality check. Talk with people who understand you and who can give you a more objective opinion on the matter.

It does not follow that your loved one will stop using silent treatment to punish you, but it does allow you to free yourself from the effects of her/his behavior. If you are worried about the state of your relationship, I want to help. Contact me to schedule a complementary Get Acquainted session.

I encourage you to get my free report, “Want to Improve your Marriage? Get Rid of These Seven Deadly Habits” here (or just look on the right hand column).

Have you experienced this relationship damaging behavior firsthand? Are you the grudge holder? Talk about it in the comment box below.

Before you jump on the bandwagon to support her story without reservations, remember there are always (at least) two sides to every story. Some people are very good at convincing you they are in the victim role. They will not tell you how they contribute to the problem. They may not even recognize it themselves. Worse, they may want to get you to support their cause.

What happens when you get all riled up in defense of your girlfriend after she tells you how bad her husband treats her? You tell her vehemently, “You should leave that SOB.” Then a few days later they are lovey-dovey again and you get mad at your friend for being so stupid and staying with that jerk.

What should you do to avoid getting caught up in this roller coaster ride your girlfriend has decided to involve you in?

Empathize without taking sides. Take a step back, listen to your girlfriend vent, and resist the temptation to become emotionally involved in her story. As a good friend, you want to be there when your girlfriend is in pain. Remember you are not a professional; you are her friend. As a friend, you can offer a shoulder to cry on without agreeing that her husband is a scumbag. Practice being there for her without the need to fix anything.

Use your best listening skills. If you want to be there for your girlfriend, you can encourage her to talk about what is bothering her. Listen actively, with eye contact and expressions such as “I am so sorry this is happening” and “Wow, you are going through a lot right now.” Keep your comments neutral. If she wants to talk about how rotten her husband is, you do not have to agree, but you can say, “You are really upset. Tell me more.”

Resist giving advice. This is especially important if your girlfriend has ignored your unsolicited advice in the past. When you give advice that is not asked for and it is not followed, you risk becoming angry and resentful. Even if it is asked for and not heeded, the two of you are now angry with each other. If she says, “I don’t know what to do” you could ask, “What do you want to do?” That way, you resist telling her what to do and you get her to voice her own thoughts which help her to figure it out herself.

This way, you preserve your friendship and you have less stress about what your girlfriend does or does not do regarding her crazy relationship. You can always tell her to get my free report on creating healthier marriages by letting go of the 7 deadly habits at on the right side of this page.

How do you know when you are ready to find love again after loss? If you have been widowed, survived a painful divorce or break up, or lost someone dear to you by other means, you may still be grieving, but also feeling very lonely. How can you make a clear-headed decision about finding love again when you are in this state?

In this informative meeting, you will receive lots of great content to help you prepare to love again!

• Understand how important the grief journey is to your ability to find love again.
• Avoid the pitfalls of making a hasty, inappropriate match because of loneliness.
• Discover the key elements needed to determine if you’re ready to find love again.
• Understand the essential requirements to make a relationship work for you.
• Learn the 7 steps to finding love after loss.

Come prepared with your questions and your appetite for learning. This meeting will be content-rich, so bring something to take notes on.

We will meet at a dining establishment, so be prepared to order something to eat, even if it’s just a dessert or something you take home.

I look forward to meeting you there! Michelle