Raise your hand if you want to be accountable with me!

As I was doing my daily walk today, I was thinking about you. Yes, I’m always thinking about my readers, my clients, and potential clients.

I was thinking about how difficult it is to make the changes that you (and I) say you want. I know for a fact that most diets DO work. What doesn’t work for too many people is keeping the motivation going to meet your weight loss goals.

I know that marriage counseling and relationship coaching DO work. The tough part is keeping your word to do the things you and your coach (or therapist) come up with that will help you reach your goals.

It takes motivation and dedication to keep going when you don’t see immediate results. I know. I’m training for this half marathon and I’m making some drastic changes in my diet. I’m like most Americans born under the Age of Instant Gratification (aka the Age of McDonalds). I want it NOW!

I hope I have your attention. This stuff is worth it. It’s worth it to work on your goal of creating your very own happily ever after.

What you need to help it work is accountability. So here’s my thought. I am starting an accountability group in the morning, at least 3 days a week. It doesn’t matter if you’re my client or not. You are welcome to join.

Here’s what we’ll do:

• A 1-2 minute check in per person on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday.
• You say what your goal is for that day.
• On the next call you share your progress on your goal and tell what your next step is for that goal or share another goal if that goal is complete.
• For example: my goal is to walk daily. When I become comfortable (or bored) with my 4 miles, I will start adding jogging to it. I will gradually add more miles. If this is my goal, I can continue to modify it and tell the group about my progress.

For you it may be a weight goal, a relationship goal, a business goal, a personal goal. It doesn’t matter. What matters is that if you participate in this accountability group, you will be accountable to the group for your progress.

This is not a coaching group. It’s just to help you with motivation and sticking to the goals you have set by telling someone else (us) what you plan to do, then reporting that you have done it.

Sound like fun?

Great. I’d love for you to join me. I’ll be connecting with you through my Ask Michelle Anything link to give you the call in information, so if you’re already on that list, you don’t have to do a thing. If not, sign up here.

We’ll meet starting Monday, March 21 at 7:00 am pacific, 10:00 am eastern. For those of you who know how much of a night owl I am, this is quite early for me. Part of my accountability to myself is getting up earlier so I can do my walk before I start my day.

Let me know what you think and tell me if you want to participate.

Thanks, Michelle

When you hire a relationship coach or a marriage therapist to help you resolve difficulties in your relationship, sometimes it doesn’t work. Why is this?

Too often people seek a relationship coach to help them fix their spouse and are disappointed or even angry when the coach suggests that the only person whose behavior they can control is their own.

Intellectually, they know this. They’ve heard it many times. Yet they only know it on the surface. If they really “got it” deep down, they wouldn’t keep trying to fix their spouse.

Often people hire me and then decide to find another coach or therapist because I haven’t given them the answers they want to hear. Sometimes I even learn later that often they have gone to many different doctors, seeking second and third medical opinions, when the doctor doesn’t give them the diagnosis they think is the right one. This is not to say it’s a bad thing to seek a second opinion.

What I find is that those who refuse to accept responsibility for their part in the problems of the relationship are those who will seek therapist after therapist (or coach after coach) until they find the one who will agree with them that their spouse is the problem.

If you keep doing the same thing in the same way, hoping for different results, you will drive yourself crazy. Instead, keep in mind that you cannot make any progress if you keep looking at what your spouse is doing and refuse to work on your own behavior.

Relationship coaching works when you accept that you have to do the work to make it work. It’s like dieting. If you want to get rid of 20 pounds but you keep eating junk food, you will keep the same weight and possibly gain more. You’re just wishing, not creating and following action steps.

I recently came to the conclusion that I was going to get serious about getting rid of about 20 pounds. I started to juice apples and carrots. I began walking. I signed up for a half marathon.

I’m not telling you this to say, “Oh, look at me. Look how responsible I am.” No, it took me two years to come to this conclusion. It took me two years of deciding to eat better, starting to walk, then stopping, and reverting back to my inactive, junk food eating ways before I finally said, “That’s enough!”

I have to do something different if I want different results.

I know it takes work and dedication to the task, and self-control to make it happen. It also takes accountability. I’m writing this because I want to be accountable for my actions.

If you hire a relationship coach, realize that if you want to be successful, you must do the work you agree to do. Your coach can help you stay accountable if you are willing to explore new behaviors and stick to your growth path.

Are you a good candidate for Relationship Coaching? Sign up for a complimentary Get Acquainted session and we’ll find out together. Email me at michelle (at) michellevasquez.com. You can make the changes in your relationship if you’re willing to do the work! I know you can do it!

Here’s to creating your happily ever after! Michelle

Jealousy is a normal, human reaction to experiencing someone else getting attention that we hoped was directed only toward us. Siblings experience jealousy when their mother spends more time with or gives more attention to a brother or sister. Children experience jealousy when one child is singled out in school or a social setting to receive attention the others were hoping for.

Jealousy is a normal part of the human experience. Even knowing that you have no real need to feel jealous can’t stop you from having those feelings. Most people, once they understand that this is a normal, human emotion, are able to control their feelings of jealousy and it affects them only minimally. Others have not figured out how to temper the jealous feelings they have and this can become quite problematic in their love relationships.

How can you tell if your feelings of jealousy are normal or out of balance? Your thoughts and behaviors will give you the best clues. So will honest feedback from people you trust.

Here are some guidelines to determine whether your feelings of jealousy are beyond what is considered normal:

1.    You feel a pain that does not go away and grows as you continue to dwell on it. You cannot figure out how to think about it any other way.
2.    You may feel as if you are going crazy or think your loved one is lying to you about her/his whereabouts whenever you are apart.
3.    You may keep tabs by going through your loved one’s personal items, like a purse, wallet, or cell phone, to check for “evidence” of wrongdoing.
4.    You may lash out regularly at your loved one with accusations of infidelity
5.    You may call many times a day, hoping to catch your loved one “in the act.”
6.    If you call or text and your loved one does not answer right away, you may see this as proof that your fears are true.
7.    You may start arguments as soon as you are face to face with your loved one as a result of your feelings of jealousy.

If you see yourself in any of these examples, you are probably feeling pretty badly a lot of the time and your relationship may be in danger. It is very hard to live with a person who experiences this level of jealousy. If you want to save your relationship with the one you love, you need to act quickly to modify your behaviors that stem from the jealous feelings.

Sign up for a complimentary Get Acquainted session today to see how relationship coaching can help! Contact me and get started right away.

“For there is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so.” Hamlet

If you think dating is easy and fun, you are right. If you think dating is hard and painstaking, you are right. How can this be? What do these two contradictory sentences have in common? Two things: you and your thoughts. You are the creator of your life. You can create yourself as a victim with severe limitations. Or you can choose to learn all you can about yourself and about dating successfully.

Since you are reading this, I believe you are not willing to remain in the victim role. But maybe you have no idea what to do to change your belief that dating is difficult. It all starts with your mindset. If you do not get a handle on the negative stuff running around your brain, you cannot proceed with successful dating. What are some of these negative thoughts that are torturing your mind?

• No one will like me if they know the “real me.”
• I have to pretend to be someone I am not to get people to like me.
• I am not good enough.
• Women are basically shallow gold-diggers.
• Men are only interested in hot, younger women.
• I am too old to date (substitute other words, like too fat, ugly, poor, shy, weird, messed up, nerdy, geeky…you get the idea)
• Dating is too hard so I might as well get used to being single.
• I am too set in my ways to learn how to date/have a successful relationship.
• I don’t want to work on myself.
• Why can’t people just accept me the way I am?

All of these examples of the negative stuff that takes over your mind and keeps you awake at night are based in fear. So how do you turn this around? Start with one of your negative statements and work on it. It’s hard to simply declare that the opposite is true, but it may be easier if you start by challenging the negative statement.

Often, believing stuff you’ve told yourself can get you in a rut. Begin by talking back to these beliefs. For instance, if you believe “No one will like me if they know the real me,” question the truth of this statement. Who said this was true? What evidence do you have to back it up? What examples do you have that the opposite is true?

Make a list of exceptions to this “rule.” Ask others what they think about this belief. Bringing it out of your head and onto paper and out loud to others takes away this belief’s power. Keep exploring until you realize that you no longer need this belief. Then work on the next one. I wish you the best!

I want you to have my free, extended report, “Why am I Still Single and What Can I Do About it? Ten Attitudes that are Keeping You From Finding Your Dream Man.”  Women, get your report here: http://trueloverelationshipcoach.com/women10attitudes.html.

What do you think? Post your comments in the box below!

Many single women I have worked with have been frustrated with their lack of dating success. One thing I have heard them say leaves me shaking my head in confusion. They tell me that they value their independence and they fear losing their personality to a man.

If what the experts tell us is true, your personality is pretty much set in your childhood. That could be good or bad, depending on what your personality is like! Your basic self, the “deep down true who you are” is going to stay more or less the same. What may happen is that the worst of your personality traits may surface if you get involved with someone who is all wrong for you.

Of course, if you get involved with a loving man who challenges you to continue growing and becoming the best you can be, it’s likely that you will find the wonderful parts of your personality being expressed. Self-growth is not always fun and games, though. So if you are afraid of this, hide yourself away quick!

That these single women want to keep their independence is another thing that confuses me. What does this mean? Do they want to continue to behave as if they were single while in a relationship? Does it mean that if they get married they want to keep living in their same place without accommodating him and his things in any way?

If it simply means they do not want to be controlled by a man, I get that. No one wants to be controlled. But I suspect it goes deeper than that. To form a meaningful relationship, you are going to have to integrate yourself into a new person’s life. This means that you are open to new thoughts, new behaviors, and new points of view.

If you’ve been on this planet for any length of time, you have been influenced by others. You have also influenced others. Peer pressure is not always a bad thing. In your experiences of influencing and being influenced, you have accepted some new thoughts and behaviors while rejecting others. This is part of being human and part of your self-growth journey.

To be controlled is absolutely abhorrent to most of us. To be influenced and to influence in turn is a wonderful part of being in a relationship if you let it be. You get to decide what and how much. If you find you are being controlled and losing the core of who you are, get out quickly. If it’s an interactive and pleasant exchange, enjoy it!

Hey, I’d love your comments in the box below!

Did you really just say that to me?

I never thought I would be one of those people who said, “Unless you have been through it, you don’t understand it.” Yet, here I am, saying this very thing. As a member of the young widowed club, a club everyone who stays with their love “till death do us part” will eventually, though unwillingly, join, I am always appreciative when people express their condolences, even though it has been over three years since my late husband died.

What I do not appreciate, and the young widowed community will back me up one hundred percent, is when people offer their unsolicited advice about “moving on” or tell me that I “should” be doing something they think is beneficial based on their total lack of understanding of what it is like to lose a beloved spouse.

I realize that I will have both admirers and detractors when I put myself out there to talk about my program, From Loss to Love Again, and that I am going to receive praise, criticism, and unsolicited advice. I could sit back and do nothing, helping no one, but what good will that do?

I have said this before, and I am repeating myself, but unfortunately this message bears repeating: if you want to help someone who is grieving a loss, express your sorrow at their having lost someone they love and stick around. Offer your support, your listening skills, and your shoulder to cry on. Resist the temptation to offer unsolicited advice. Here are some things you really need to avoid saying, no matter how sorely you are tempted:

• It’s time for you to move on
• No one will want you if you keep pictures of your dearly departed in your house
• Haven’t you mourned long enough?
• When are you going to start dating again?
• You have to let go of the memories of your late spouse to accept new love in your life
• You can’t keep talking about your late spouse with your new love
• Why don’t you just let him/her go already?
• Why aren’t you happier?
• You need to just focus on raising your children and not dating again
• It’s too soon for you to date

These are just a few things that I have either been told personally or that others in the young widowed community have shared. If you are guilty of giving this kind of advice, please stop. If you are widowed and have been on the receiving end of this unintentionally (I hope) cruel and callous unsolicited advice, know that you have a lot of support from others who do understand what you’re going through.

It doesn’t matter to me if you have been widowed for ten years and you still don’t want anyone but your late spouse. I don’t care if you lost your beloved six months ago and you’re ready to marry again. These are your personal choices and it’s none of anyone else’s business, not even mine. You have to decide what is best for you. Let go of the hurtful words of those who are well-meaning yet haven’t got a clue. Know that you must honor your grief journey in whatever way you need to.

I’d love to hear your thoughts and comments. There’s a box right below this post just waiting for you to write in it!

I would love to offer you my free audio report, “From Loss to Love Again: 7 Steps to prepare to love again after loss” at http://fromlosstoloveagain.com.

Calling all singles!

Do you dread first dates? Do you get the “first date” jitters? Do you wish you could make them easier?

This webinar focuses on developing a plan to turn first dates from dreadful encounters to exciting and easy adventures!

Ask me anything about first dates on Saturday, October 9
12:00 noon pacific/3:00 pm eastern

Who should attend?

• Anyone who is single and frustrated
• Divorced and ready to start again
• Widowed and overwhelmed at the prospect of dating after the loss of someone you love
• Dealing with the aftermath of a difficult break up
• Or anyone who just wants to learn how to make first dates more interesting and less of a drag.

Sign up here to get the call in/webinar information.

If you cannot attend live, send in your question anyway. The webinars are always recorded and I’ll send you the replay link as soon as it’s done, but only if you sign up!

Sign up here to get the call in/webinar information.

You’ve been told that first dates should be quick, preferably under 30 minutes, so you’ve agreed to give it a shot. You’re sipping your Starbucks coffee and making conversation with a fairly attractive man you agreed to meet for a coffee date.

What’s going on in your head while you make small talk with this guy you said “yes” to meeting for coffee? The self-talk in your mind can turn a first date into a second one or into a rapid, “I’ll call you” line from the guy across from you.

What can help you navigate this first date? Before we look at the inside of your head, if you tend to be anxious when meeting new people, may I suggest an herbal tea (or anything without caffeine)? Now that we got that out of the way, here are some tips to help you relax and enjoy yourself:

Change your attitude. If you have been on some dates that bombed, you may be discouraged. This new date is not the previous dates. Separate them in your mind or you risk developing a callous attitude with such thoughts as “All the good ones are married or gay” and “This guy is probably another loser like my last date.” Give each date a fair chance without carrying along the baggage of the past dates.

Change your mind. Change how you think about the date. It’s a meeting with someone new and possibly interesting. It’s an opportunity to form a new connection, maybe a friendship, maybe more, but for now, it’s just a meeting between two people who hopefully have something in common.

Change your feelings. Whatever you do, do NOT let your feelings get carried away, especially if he’s extra dreamy. Spend your half hour paying attention to the conversation, not planning your wedding to Mr. Dream Boat! After your date, if you really enjoyed it, you can talk with your girlfriends about him. During the date your task is to be fully present and engage him in interesting conversation.

Most important of all, decide to enjoy yourself. While this guy could be “the one,” he could also be someone who could enhance your life in ways you haven’t even considered. What if he is not the one for you, but he is someone who you would like to know better, even if it’s only platonically? Whatever the reason, meeting a fellow human being can be a pleasurable experience in itself. Give yourself a chance to enjoy the experience.

Join my upcoming webinar workshop on Conscious Dating: Relationship Success Training for Singles. They are held regularly, with the next one starting on October 13, 2010. For more information, click here.

I have worked with too many singles who are so eager to be in a relationship that they do not take the time to understand what it takes to make a relationship last. Even worse, it pains me to hear my own friends say, “I just want to be in the middle of the relationship; I don’t want to wait.” Then they proceed to tell me, often with a sad expression, how they have met a man and have already begun a sexual relationship with him, despite some obvious problems that appeared within a few dates.

These friends often tell me, “I need to talk with you about this,” but they rarely follow through. I want to help them, but I cannot force them to attend my webinars and workshops or work with me one on one. It breaks my heart to see them struggling repeatedly as they get into bad relationships with astonishing speed and stick around until they are reduced to a puddle of low self-confidence.

I can only stand by and watch while they “lather, rinse, repeat” the same destructive patterns. Don’t get me wrong. I do offer them my services. I have free webinars several times a month called “Ask Michelle Anything.” I have free reports and very reasonably priced workshops they could attend.

So why don’t they take me up on my offer? It could be that they are convinced that the next time it will work out right. They still hope that if they keep trying they will find the man who sweeps them off their feet. Or worse, they hope that the semi-acceptable man with only a few glaring deal-breaking traits will somehow turn into prince charming. The scariest thing for me is that they are trying to convince themselves that somehow they can cope with a totally unacceptable relationship.

Hope is a wonderful thing. It keeps us going when times are tough. It gets us through difficult situations. But what happens with you hope in vain, but you don’t realize it’s a vain hope? When is hope keeping you a prisoner?

• If you are closing your eyes to more and more behaviors that go against your values, morals, or are even criminal
• If you are being abused in any way
• If you spend more time crying than enjoying your relationship
• If you are showing signs of depression or anxiety related to your relationship
• If you feel like you are being controlled by your partner

You may need extra help to get yourself out of this situation. Then again, you may find you are tired of being treated as “less than” and you’re ready to get rid of him. If you have been in this situation and do not want to fall into the same trap again, I want to help!

Join my upcoming webinar workshop on Conscious Dating: Relationship Success Training for Singles. They are held regularly, with the next one starting on October 13, 2010. For more information, click here.

Is your dating life complicated? Do you push away good men when they show the first sign of doing something less than perfect? Do you wonder why you cannot find any men of quality to date? The answer may be closer than you think.

When I was in my 20′s and dating, I thought all I needed to do was to dress sexy and find an attractive man who fit my laundry list of the characteristics I expected an ideal man to have. I soon found that the men I was attracting with my sexy dresses were not the same ones who could make me happy.

More to the point, I was on the prowl and I found men who were very willing to get physical extremely quickly, but were not interested in me as a girlfriend or eventual wife. That got old quickly as I realized I was attracting wolves instead of my ideal man. Dating wasn’t about dressing sexy and acting provocatively; there was more to it that I simply did not yet understand. The part I was missing was that I needed to work on myself and what I required to make a relationship work.

This was something I had never thought of before. I thought if I wrote down what my ideal partner looked like, acted like, and treated me like, I would have it made. Boy, was I wrong! That is only one small part of the equation. To create a successful relationship, I needed to understand myself.

What I learned is that understanding yourself is a life-long task. If you begin today, you can look forward to many years of learning about yourself. It does not have to be a boring task; quite the contrary. It can be very exciting to really understand who you are and what you need to create your ideal relationship.

My personal journey to self-understanding and awareness began with reading all the self-improvement books I could find on relationships. Instead of concentrating on that ideal partner, I began to answer some serious questions about myself: my likes and dislikes, my personality traits, and my temperament, for example. It was fun and eye-opening and sometimes embarrassing as I realized how much “growing up” I still had to do.

If you are confused, frustrated, and maybe even fed-up with dating or getting into the wrong relationships repeatedly, I encourage you to do the same thing. Begin with yourself. Once you understand yourself, even a little bit better, you will be closer to identifying which kind of relationship works for you.

Meanwhile, join my upcoming webinar workshop on Conscious Dating: Relationship Success Training for Singles. They are held regularly, with the next one starting on October 6, 2010. For more information, click here.