Is hope keeping you stuck in a bad relationship? Do you keep rushing into a new relationship, perhaps with someone you barely know, crossing your fingers and simply hoping that maybe this time this will be the right man for you?

Hope is a wonderful thing. It keeps us going when times are tough. It gets us through difficult situations. But what happens with you hope in vain, but you don’t realize it’s a vain hope? When is hope keeping you a prisoner?

If you spend more time crying than enjoying your relationship, you may be holding onto hope that this is just temporary and it will get better. It is possible that your relationship will get better; it is also possible that it will get worse.

If you are unsure, begin keeping a journal of good days versus bad days. You can keep it simple by drawing a smiley face or a sad face each day on your calendar to indicate the general state of your relationship. You can also journal details of what is going on. Do what works best for you.

Evaluate your good and bad days after a few weeks to get a better picture of how often you face difficulties. This is a bit simplistic, but it can help you to get a more realistic perspective on your relationship.

If you are closing your eyes to more and more behaviors that go against your values, morals, or are even criminal, hope is keeping you stuck. If you are compromising your values, ethics, and morals, you are treading murky waters. If you are allowing yourself to get involved in criminal behaviors, you risk giving up your freedom permanently.

If you are being abused in any way, hope may be keeping you stuck. You may believe him when he cries and promises that he never meant to hurt you. You may hope that this will be the last time. You may hope he will change. This is a particularly dangerous situation. If you are currently in an abusive situation and you want help, call the National Domestic violence Hotline at 1−800−799−SAFE(7233) or TTY 1−800−787−3224.

Most of the women I work with are not in such extreme situations as described above, yet it is important to offer this information for those who may need it. If you are a woman who knows you are allowing hope to rush you into a relationship or keep you stuck in one that is not right for you, you can benefit from learning some new skills. You do not have to remain stuck. When you hope, let it be for the right reasons: hoping for more joy, love, and the continuation of a wonderfully happy relationship!

Dollar download: Creating Happily Ever After: Golden Nuggets from Michelle here.

Get my book: Creating Happily Ever After: A Marriage Manual for What to Do After the Honeymoon is Over at here or get the downloadable version at here.

I was divorced at age 27 from a good man. Would you be surprised that despite having completed a Masters degree in Counseling Psychology, I knew next to nothing about creating a happy relationship for myself? That understanding came years later.

You may be in the same boat I was all those years ago. In your work you may be an effective communicator. Maybe you are a peacemaker with your friends. You may even be the person who is able to help others with their relationship problems, yet you cannot figure out what you are doing wrong with your own love life.

It makes sense. In my own relationship I was too emotionally wrapped up in the problems. I was unable to step back and look at the situation neutrally. I could help others do this because I was not personally involved in their marriage. It took years to figure out how to do this and it happened when I met and married my second husband.

A few years into our marriage, I learned about Dr. William Glasser’s Choice Theory and began training in Reality Therapy. It changed the way I helped the couples I counseled. More importantly for me and my husband, it changed the way I related to him. So many couples have benefitted from Choice Theory and I have to say that it changed my life and my marriage for the better.

Here are the Seven Deadly Habits of External Control (Choice Theory):
Criticizing
Blaming
Complaining
Nagging
Threatening
Punishing
Rewarding/Bribing

I realized that I had done every one of these habits at some time in my life and I was guilty of quite a few of them on a very regular basis. If you have never done any of these habits, you’re probably ready for sainthood!

The questions I kept in mind from Choice Theory were,

What am I doing now (looking at the list above) that is harming my relationship?
What can I do differently, on a regular and consistent basis, that I think will help my relationship?

This was the beginning of a much happier and less stressful marriage for me and my husband. Sadly, my marriage to this wonderful man ended after nine years, when he died of kidney cancer. After a while I knew that I wanted to marry again, having had a strong and happy marriage with my late husband. So once again I began to date and did find another man to make a happy relationship with. The tools I used in my second marriage and the tools I taught my clients helped me to find and keep yet another great man.

Dollar download: Creating Happily Ever After: Golden Nuggets from Michelle here.

Get my book: Creating Happily Ever After: A Marriage Manual for What to Do After the Honeymoon is Over at here or get the downloadable version at here.

Every morning between 4:00 and 4:30 a.m., without fail, my cat Buffy jumps on the bed, intending to wake me up so she can get me to feed her. You may wonder how I know my cat’s intentions. Well, animals are great communicators if you know how to tap into what they are telling you.

When I get up, Buffy runs out of the room and toward the kitchen. Without fail, I close the door so she cannot jump on me and awake me again. Maui, my other cat, remains sleeping contentedly on the bed during this morning ritual. She is not as persistently “food-focused” as Buffy is.

What makes Buffy so persistent, given that every morning is the same thing? She wakes me; I close the door. Every morning. Although I can understand what she wants from me, I do not understand why she doesn’t eventually give up. If it were me and I got the same rejection every day for over 18 months, I would be more likely to say, “Forget this; what I need is opposable thumbs so I can get my own food!”

Maui and Buffy are nearing their second birthdays, so I would think they would know the routine by now. Javier feeds them when he gets up, which is fairly early, but not as early as Buffy wants her breakfast.

As she woke me this morning, I realized that there is a lesson here about being persistent in the face of disappointments and rejection. No, I don’t mean you should become a stalker if the one you are interested in has given clear and regular signs that s/he does not return your affections.

I like to think of it as staying hopeful even in the face of disappointments. Striving toward the goals, dreams, and visions for your life, despite setbacks and unwanted detours is difficult. It also brings some pretty awesome rewards if you can stay focused.

How persistent are you? How easy is it for you to persist when you cannot see progress at the rate and speed you expect?

What if your relationship with the one you love is feeling heavy and stuck? How persistent are you in working toward resolution? In seeking answers? In maintaining hope that you can work it out?

Please remember that you do not have to figure it all out all alone. That’s why I do what I do. I help people who are struggling with their relationships to find their own answers and create the solutions that work for them. I also help you to remain in a state of hope while you seek to define your answers and create a plan of action. I help you stay focused and accountable to what you want to achieve in your relationship goals.

Take this lesson from my cat, Buffy, and maintain that optimism, realizing that you do not have to do it alone. I invite you to talk with me about how we can work together. You can simply reply to this email and we’ll set a time to have a no obligation chat to talk about your relationship goals and how I can help you with them.

Do you have what it takes to create a lasting marriage? Do you give up at the first sign of difficulties? People who are “stubbornly persistent” and hang in there during difficult times are often rewarded with better marriages on the other side of the tough times.

Dollar download: Creating Happily Ever After: Golden Nuggets from Michelle here.

Get my book: Creating Happily Ever After: A Marriage Manual for What to Do After the Honeymoon is Over at here or get the downloadable version at here.

Is your relationship difficult? Are you feeling tired and overwhelmed, thinking, “It shouldn’t be so hard!” Are you ready to give up on your current relationship or on relationships in general?

Sometimes, being in a relationship, even a mostly healthy one, can be difficult. Sometimes even a happy marriage goes through some major bumps in the road.

These major bumps can test your strength and will to continue with your spouse, “for better or for worse.”

How do you know when to hold on and when to let go?

If you are like me, you probably want to make sure you have done everything you can think of to make it work before you would decide to let it go.

You probably have a library of self-help books, have talked with friends, family, and maybe even professionals about your situation, hoping to learn more of what you can do to make things better.

I say, good for you! Sometimes that’s all it takes to create your very own Happily Ever After.

But how do you know whether it’s time to let go and move on? You may wonder, “If only I had done this one more thing or tried another book, technique, or just been more patient, loving, and kind.”

It’s hard to know whether to stay or go. Some people give up very easily, having a “disposable” attitude toward marriage. But not you!

You work so hard to make it work. Maybe you can learn something new that will help. Maybe not. You are a determined person.

If you are uncertain about your relationship’s future, I would love to help. Contact me and we will have a conversation about whether Relationship Coaching is right for you.

What else is going on?

I just created an e-book with 10 of my golden nuggets from my book, Creating Happily Ever After: A Marriage Manual for What to Do After the Honeymoon is Over.

I call it (surprise, surprise), Creating Happily Ever After: Golden Nuggets from Michelle. Download it for only a dollar now!

Also, now you can order my book on Amazon! Here is the link with more info.

Why do you need this book?

Learn step-by-step dynamic ways to relate at the heart level, and rekindle a sense of passion with your spouse.

If you love your spouse, but you’re not feeling “in love,” Creating Happily Ever After teaches you how to rekindle the love that is not lost, but is simply asking to be remembered.

My dearest wish for you in this moment is that you have a wonderful, happy, and safe Independence Day weekend!

Love, Michelle

One of the ways I make my living is by being an affiliate of different people and services I think are valuable, which means I get paid if you choose to buy their products. A few of my affiliates are listed below:

Mimi Tanner writes a daily e-column for women and has written several e-books. Check out her e-book: Secrets of Flirting With Men.

Bob Grant is also a Licensed Professional Counselor specializing in helping women to form successful, happy relationships. Check out his e-book, The Women Men Adore…And Never Want to Leave.

I know from a lifetime of experience that I tend to be very hard on myself. Maybe you can relate.

I “know” that I am a human being and, as such, not going to be at my best 100% of the time, yet I beat myself up when I am not, “shoudling” on myself (I should do better, know better, be better).

I am learning how to accept myself as being imperfect and human.

If you can relate to my words, you may be one of the people who also tortures yourself, your mind going over and over what you said or did, wondering how you could have been so “stupid.”

Why do we do this? I have lost lots of sleep and peace of mind berating myself for normal lapses, which are common to everyone living and breathing.

I have made some small and some huge mistakes in my life. I value the people who have helped me to realize that I am human and that I do not need to be so hard on myself.

I am now working with a grief counselor, a product creation coach, and an accountability coach.

I have seen some wonderful changes in my abilities and in my mental and emotional state since I had the courage to let these wonderful women help me.

It’s been a lot of work and totally worth it!

I love to help others achieve their relationship goals, yet, I was not allowing myself the same chance to help myself! Crazy, I know, but I am learning to value myself and let go of the need to get it all perfect.

After all, I do not expect perfection out of my wonderful, resourceful clients. Why should I expect it of myself?

The best we can do in this life is to continue to strive to grow and learn, and to reach out for help when we need it.

What else is going on?

Only a few hours left to get Creating Happily Ever After for 15% off the normal price! This special is over tonight at midnight, pacific time, which is just under 12 hours from now.

Creating Happily Ever After: A Marriage Manual for What to Do After the Honeymoon is Over

You can order it here: http://happilyeverafterbook.com

Learn loving ways to interact again. Learn what you can do to help your marriage even if you’re the only one. Your change creates a ripple effect. When you do something different, it affects the system (your relationship).

Love, Michelle

Sometimes in your relationship you may get caught up in assuming you know what your spouse intended to do or why s/he behaves in a certain way. This video challenges you to be aware of thoughts that keep you stuck and to examine those thoughts instead of just automatically believing them.

Get a copy of my book, Creating Happily Ever After: a Marriage Manual for What to do After the Honeymoon is Over, at http://creatinghappilyeverafterbook.com.

Here’s an excerpt from

A loving relationship can go a long way to heal the hurts of the past. When you are in a loving relationship:

o   You trust each other enough to be vulnerable instead of defensive.

o   You are able to explore past hurts and let them go.

o   You can grow together as you co-create the relationship of your dreams.

When you are able to trust the one you’re with:

o   You can allow yourself to let down your guard.

o   You understand that your spouse is not going to repeat the hurts of the past, at least not intentionally.

o   You can begin to redefine yourself with your partner and let go of previous pain.

o   It may be scary to be this vulnerable, but it gets easier as you go along and build positive experiences together.

With the help of someone you have chosen to trust, you can explore past hurts. Letting go of the pain of the past is never a straight path. Inside your loving relationship, you can choose new patterns to replace the old ones that did not work for you. When you both turn toward each other with support and acceptance, you don’t have to reach for defensiveness as your first reaction.

You and your spouse have an amazing opportunity to grow as a couple. You get to work together to create a happy, passionate relationship. The rewards of this growth work are limitless and you are able to do this because you trust the one you love. You get to decide to break the negative patterns of your respective pasts and live in a way that suits the two of you best.

It’s not easy to do this and often, even if couples have the best of intentions, they need outside help to create this wonderful, trusting life together. That’s where relationship coaching comes in handy. You can create your vision for your relationship and set your goals for living the life you’ve dreamed of with the one you love.

Get your copy of

Raise your hand if you want to be accountable with me!

As I was doing my daily walk today, I was thinking about you. Yes, I’m always thinking about my readers, my clients, and potential clients.

I was thinking about how difficult it is to make the changes that you (and I) say you want. I know for a fact that most diets DO work. What doesn’t work for too many people is keeping the motivation going to meet your weight loss goals.

I know that marriage counseling and relationship coaching DO work. The tough part is keeping your word to do the things you and your coach (or therapist) come up with that will help you reach your goals.

It takes motivation and dedication to keep going when you don’t see immediate results. I know. I’m training for this half marathon and I’m making some drastic changes in my diet. I’m like most Americans born under the Age of Instant Gratification (aka the Age of McDonalds). I want it NOW!

I hope I have your attention. This stuff is worth it. It’s worth it to work on your goal of creating your very own happily ever after.

What you need to help it work is accountability. So here’s my thought. I am starting an accountability group in the morning, at least 3 days a week. It doesn’t matter if you’re my client or not. You are welcome to join.

Here’s what we’ll do:

• A 1-2 minute check in per person on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday.
• You say what your goal is for that day.
• On the next call you share your progress on your goal and tell what your next step is for that goal or share another goal if that goal is complete.
• For example: my goal is to walk daily. When I become comfortable (or bored) with my 4 miles, I will start adding jogging to it. I will gradually add more miles. If this is my goal, I can continue to modify it and tell the group about my progress.

For you it may be a weight goal, a relationship goal, a business goal, a personal goal. It doesn’t matter. What matters is that if you participate in this accountability group, you will be accountable to the group for your progress.

This is not a coaching group. It’s just to help you with motivation and sticking to the goals you have set by telling someone else (us) what you plan to do, then reporting that you have done it.

Sound like fun?

Great. I’d love for you to join me. I’ll be connecting with you through my Ask Michelle Anything link to give you the call in information, so if you’re already on that list, you don’t have to do a thing. If not, sign up here.

We’ll meet starting Monday, March 21 at 7:00 am pacific, 10:00 am eastern. For those of you who know how much of a night owl I am, this is quite early for me. Part of my accountability to myself is getting up earlier so I can do my walk before I start my day.

Let me know what you think and tell me if you want to participate.

Thanks, Michelle

This is an excerpt from my upcoming book, Creating Happily Ever After. I’d love your thoughts and comments.

I think that self-control is something many people would be wise to exercise and few master. Failing to exercise self-control, people turn to controlling others as a way to deal with feeling out of control.

That’s where the 7 deadly habits come into play. When people, especially in intimate relationships are unhappy, they turn to the one they love and (sadly) decide that their unhappiness is coming from outside of themselves.

“You’re supposed to make me happy.” So they criticize, blame, complain, nag, threaten, punish, and reward/bribe to get their spouse to do something about their unhappiness.

All along, the happiness (and unhappiness) comes from within. Instead of working on themselves, they focus externally for that elusive happiness.

The unhappiness is coming from the story they are telling themselves about the situation at hand (any situation will do).

Action step:

Answer these questions carefully and write your responses in your journal.

• As you work on self-control what are you telling yourself about the situation at hand (whichever one that comes up) that keeps you going back to the default behavior?
• Are you allowing someone else’s behavior (your spouse) to determine how you will act?

Self-control does take a lot of practice. It means focusing on what you have determined to do, how you have decided to act, regardless of what someone else is doing (or not doing).

Affirmation: I understand the value of self-control and I strive to exercise self-control daily, especially in my relationship with the one I love.