Are precious moments of your life being wasted by a loved one who holds grudges and gives you the silent treatment? Are you subjected to regular intervals of this type of punishing behavior from your loved one? Rest assured that you are not alone. This particular controlling tactic is meant to cause you pain and grief. It will if you let it. However, it does not have to.

Unfortunately, many people do not have a clue about how to deal with conflict. Instead of learning relationship skills, they rely on their default behavior from childhood. They act pretty much the same way they acted when they were children and were watching the dysfunctional behavior of their parents or adult caregivers. They will tell you that their behavior is your fault. They will fold their arms and jut out their lip in a defiant pout and yell, “This is the way I am; do not expect me to change.”

You are living in an emotional situation and it is painful. You do have options. While you cannot fix your loved one, you can work on your reactions to this unfortunate behavior. Here are some things you can do to help yourself feel better when you are facing yet another crisis followed by days or weeks of grudge-holding silent treatment.

Let go of the outcome. Realize that the silent treatment is an attempt to punish you. Your loved one wants to make you feel as miserable as s/he feels and in the past this has been an effective weapon, so it gets used again and again. You can disarm this weapon. Decide now that you will let go of the need to reconnect with your loved one. When your loved one is finished acting out this default behavior is up to him/her.

Take care of yourself. Use the silent time to reflect on your own behavior. What could you do differently to improve your behavior? Notice I did not say “What could you do to stop the silent treatment?” You can always improve yourself. Do it for yourself and for your relationship. It is not your job to fix your loved one. You do not need to learn how to change yourself so that you are more acceptable or submissive. It is unhealthy for you to stop expressing your thoughts and feelings.

Do things with friends, family, or even by yourself that help you to feel better. Focus on projects you have been meaning to get back to. Take a class, start a new hobby, go to the movies, read a new book. If you decide that your loved one’s behavior means you are a bad person, you really need to get a reality check. Talk with people who understand you and who can give you a more objective opinion on the matter.

It does not follow that your loved one will stop using silent treatment to punish you, but it does allow you to free yourself from the effects of her/his behavior. If you are worried about the state of your relationship, I want to help. Contact me to schedule a complementary Get Acquainted session.

I encourage you to get my free report, “Want to Improve your Marriage? Get Rid of These Seven Deadly Habits” here (or just look on the right hand column).

Have you experienced this relationship damaging behavior firsthand? Are you the grudge holder? Talk about it in the comment box below.

Choose your life partner carefully

If you are seeking a relationship you need to understand your Requirements for a happy, successful relationship at the very beginning of your search for the one for you. It is also important that you be judicious in selecting your Requirements. Too many and you will rule out most eligible partners; too few and you come across as desperate or a doormat.

Hopefully, there are three Requirements that make your list without much thought. These are the Trinity of all deal-breakers: addiction, abuse, and control. If you have grown up in a relatively healthy, stable home, you probably do not even think about these, and if you met someone with these behaviors you would run in the opposite direction as quickly as possible.

If, on the other hand, you grew up in an alcoholic family where abuse and control were the norm, you may not realize that such suffering is not necessary, nor should it be tolerated. Let us take a look at each of these deal-breakers in more detail.

• Addiction: drug and alcohol addiction are very destructive habits. Behaviors such as gambling and promiscuity are labeled addictions, but I tend to define them as compulsive behaviors. Either way, serious compulsive or addictive behaviors will wreak havoc in any relationship. Getting involved with someone with an active problem such as these is unwise.

• Abuse: obviously, any type of physical abuse is completely unacceptable in a relationship. Get to know the history of your potential love interest. Ask whether there has been a history of violence either in the family of origin or in adult relationships. Often, it is more difficult to determine whether abuse is emotional. Keep an eye out for name-calling, blaming, hurtful statements disguised as jokes, acting like nothing is wrong, refusing to take personal responsibility for bad behavior, and other signs that the person may use emotional abuse as a substitute for grown up communication when there is a problem.

• Control: anyone who has a “my way or the highway” mentality is going to make things difficult in a relationship. Control can also take the form of manipulating to get your way, deception, and outright threatening to make someone do what you want. Some controlling people believe there is only one right way to do things, meaning that your way is always wrong. If you suspect that your love interest is a control freak, get out now. Control freaks do not play well with others nor do they share.

If you value yourself you will take your time and choose your life-partner carefully. If you are a man and wondering how you can make dating easier, you need Facilidating: Dating Made Easy for Men.