“For there is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so.” Hamlet

If you think dating is easy and fun, you are right. If you think dating is hard and painstaking, you are right. How can this be? What do these two contradictory sentences have in common? Two things: you and your thoughts. You are the creator of your life. You can create yourself as a victim with severe limitations. Or you can choose to learn all you can about yourself and about dating successfully.

Since you are reading this, I believe you are not willing to remain in the victim role. But maybe you have no idea what to do to change your belief that dating is difficult. It all starts with your mindset. If you do not get a handle on the negative stuff running around your brain, you cannot proceed with successful dating. What are some of these negative thoughts that are torturing your mind?

• No one will like me if they know the “real me.”
• I have to pretend to be someone I am not to get people to like me.
• I am not good enough.
• Women are basically shallow gold-diggers.
• Men are only interested in hot, younger women.
• I am too old to date (substitute other words, like too fat, ugly, poor, shy, weird, messed up, nerdy, geeky…you get the idea)
• Dating is too hard so I might as well get used to being single.
• I am too set in my ways to learn how to date/have a successful relationship.
• I don’t want to work on myself.
• Why can’t people just accept me the way I am?

All of these examples of the negative stuff that takes over your mind and keeps you awake at night are based in fear. So how do you turn this around? Start with one of your negative statements and work on it. It’s hard to simply declare that the opposite is true, but it may be easier if you start by challenging the negative statement.

Often, believing stuff you’ve told yourself can get you in a rut. Begin by talking back to these beliefs. For instance, if you believe “No one will like me if they know the real me,” question the truth of this statement. Who said this was true? What evidence do you have to back it up? What examples do you have that the opposite is true?

Make a list of exceptions to this “rule.” Ask others what they think about this belief. Bringing it out of your head and onto paper and out loud to others takes away this belief’s power. Keep exploring until you realize that you no longer need this belief. Then work on the next one. I wish you the best!

I want you to have my free, extended report, “Why am I Still Single and What Can I Do About it? Ten Attitudes that are Keeping You From Finding Your Dream Man.”  Women, get your report here: http://trueloverelationshipcoach.com/women10attitudes.html.

What do you think? Post your comments in the box below!

Calling all singles!

Do you dread first dates? Do you get the “first date” jitters? Do you wish you could make them easier?

This webinar focuses on developing a plan to turn first dates from dreadful encounters to exciting and easy adventures!

Ask me anything about first dates on Saturday, October 9
12:00 noon pacific/3:00 pm eastern

Who should attend?

• Anyone who is single and frustrated
• Divorced and ready to start again
• Widowed and overwhelmed at the prospect of dating after the loss of someone you love
• Dealing with the aftermath of a difficult break up
• Or anyone who just wants to learn how to make first dates more interesting and less of a drag.

Sign up here to get the call in/webinar information.

If you cannot attend live, send in your question anyway. The webinars are always recorded and I’ll send you the replay link as soon as it’s done, but only if you sign up!

Sign up here to get the call in/webinar information.

You’ve been told that first dates should be quick, preferably under 30 minutes, so you’ve agreed to give it a shot. You’re sipping your Starbucks coffee and making conversation with a fairly attractive man you agreed to meet for a coffee date.

What’s going on in your head while you make small talk with this guy you said “yes” to meeting for coffee? The self-talk in your mind can turn a first date into a second one or into a rapid, “I’ll call you” line from the guy across from you.

What can help you navigate this first date? Before we look at the inside of your head, if you tend to be anxious when meeting new people, may I suggest an herbal tea (or anything without caffeine)? Now that we got that out of the way, here are some tips to help you relax and enjoy yourself:

Change your attitude. If you have been on some dates that bombed, you may be discouraged. This new date is not the previous dates. Separate them in your mind or you risk developing a callous attitude with such thoughts as “All the good ones are married or gay” and “This guy is probably another loser like my last date.” Give each date a fair chance without carrying along the baggage of the past dates.

Change your mind. Change how you think about the date. It’s a meeting with someone new and possibly interesting. It’s an opportunity to form a new connection, maybe a friendship, maybe more, but for now, it’s just a meeting between two people who hopefully have something in common.

Change your feelings. Whatever you do, do NOT let your feelings get carried away, especially if he’s extra dreamy. Spend your half hour paying attention to the conversation, not planning your wedding to Mr. Dream Boat! After your date, if you really enjoyed it, you can talk with your girlfriends about him. During the date your task is to be fully present and engage him in interesting conversation.

Most important of all, decide to enjoy yourself. While this guy could be “the one,” he could also be someone who could enhance your life in ways you haven’t even considered. What if he is not the one for you, but he is someone who you would like to know better, even if it’s only platonically? Whatever the reason, meeting a fellow human being can be a pleasurable experience in itself. Give yourself a chance to enjoy the experience.

Join my upcoming webinar workshop on Conscious Dating: Relationship Success Training for Singles. They are held regularly, with the next one starting on October 13, 2010. For more information, click here.

Is your dating life complicated? Do you push away good men when they show the first sign of doing something less than perfect? Do you wonder why you cannot find any men of quality to date? The answer may be closer than you think.

When I was in my 20′s and dating, I thought all I needed to do was to dress sexy and find an attractive man who fit my laundry list of the characteristics I expected an ideal man to have. I soon found that the men I was attracting with my sexy dresses were not the same ones who could make me happy.

More to the point, I was on the prowl and I found men who were very willing to get physical extremely quickly, but were not interested in me as a girlfriend or eventual wife. That got old quickly as I realized I was attracting wolves instead of my ideal man. Dating wasn’t about dressing sexy and acting provocatively; there was more to it that I simply did not yet understand. The part I was missing was that I needed to work on myself and what I required to make a relationship work.

This was something I had never thought of before. I thought if I wrote down what my ideal partner looked like, acted like, and treated me like, I would have it made. Boy, was I wrong! That is only one small part of the equation. To create a successful relationship, I needed to understand myself.

What I learned is that understanding yourself is a life-long task. If you begin today, you can look forward to many years of learning about yourself. It does not have to be a boring task; quite the contrary. It can be very exciting to really understand who you are and what you need to create your ideal relationship.

My personal journey to self-understanding and awareness began with reading all the self-improvement books I could find on relationships. Instead of concentrating on that ideal partner, I began to answer some serious questions about myself: my likes and dislikes, my personality traits, and my temperament, for example. It was fun and eye-opening and sometimes embarrassing as I realized how much “growing up” I still had to do.

If you are confused, frustrated, and maybe even fed-up with dating or getting into the wrong relationships repeatedly, I encourage you to do the same thing. Begin with yourself. Once you understand yourself, even a little bit better, you will be closer to identifying which kind of relationship works for you.

Meanwhile, join my upcoming webinar workshop on Conscious Dating: Relationship Success Training for Singles. They are held regularly, with the next one starting on October 6, 2010. For more information, click here.

Do you have a burning question about dating? Marriage? Being single? Divorce? Widowhood? Finding love again after loss? Making your good marriage great? Troubles with inlaws? Sexual frustrations?

Whatever your question about relationships, Michelle Vasquez would love to answer them. The sky’s the limit. Michelle has over 17 years experience working with singles and couples, with a growing specialty in helping widows find love after loss. Here’s your chance to pick Michelle’s brain.

Webinar times vary to allow greater attendance flexibility, so sign up to receive notice of class times and dates. http://askmichelleanything.com

Generally, you can Ask Michelle Anything on the first and third Tuesday evenings and the second and fourth Saturday mornings, but to make sure you are kept up to date, and in case there are unexpected changes, sign up now! http://askmichelleanything.com. The webinars are recorded and you will receive the replay if you cannot attend and ask your question live, but only if you sign up.

1st and 3rd Tuesdays
5:00 PM Pacific/8:00 PM Eastern

2nd and 4th Saturdays
9:00 AM Pacific/12:00 PM Eastern

I encourage you to take advantage of these weekly webinars. Ask me anything!

What a friendly goat! This picture has nothing to do with the interview; I just like it!

Today Iuliana Lixandru interviewed me on Voice America. Here is a link to the interview. She asked me questions about relationships, singles, widows finding love after loss, limiting beliefs that keep people single.

We talked about Choice Theory, which is something that I love to teach my clients, conflict resolution, choosing a mate wisely. Iuliana asked some excellent questions and kept me on my toes!

Have you gotten your free audio on the Seven Steps to Finding Love after Loss? Get it now. Schedule your free Get Acquainted session with Michelle by filling out the Contact Us form.

If you live in Orange County, I will be holding a live event on August 12. To sign up and get more details click here.

How do you know when you are ready to find love again after loss? If you have been widowed, survived a painful divorce or break up, or lost someone dear to you by other means, you may still be grieving, but also feeling very lonely. How can you make a clear-headed decision about finding love again when you are in this state?

In this informative meeting, you will receive lots of great content to help you prepare to love again!

• Understand how important the grief journey is to your ability to find love again.
• Avoid the pitfalls of making a hasty, inappropriate match because of loneliness.
• Discover the key elements needed to determine if you’re ready to find love again.
• Understand the essential requirements to make a relationship work for you.
• Learn the 7 steps to finding love after loss.

Come prepared with your questions and your appetite for learning. This meeting will be content-rich, so bring something to take notes on.

We will meet at a dining establishment, so be prepared to order something to eat, even if it’s just a dessert or something you take home.

I look forward to meeting you there! Michelle

Click here to get the sign up information: http://askmichelleanything.com/

• How do I attract the one for me?
• Why do I always end up as “just friends”?
• Why is dating so hard?

Click here to get the sign up information:
http://askmichelleanything.com/

• Are you ready to start dating again?
• Are you frustrated with your dating results?
• Do you wonder about online dating?
• Do you think you are ready? (after a breakup? after divorce? after widowhood?)

9:00am pacific/10:00am mountain/11:00am central/12:00pm eastern

Whatever your burning question is, pick Michelle’s brain during this call.

Even if you cannot attend, sign up and you will get a link to the recording afterward.

Click here to get the sign up information:
http://askmichelleanything.com/

Check out Facilidating: dating made easy for men.

If you are single and struggling to figure out the new and ever-changing world of dating, you’ve come to the right place. If you have been in a series of unsuccessful relationships, welcome. If your relationship is fraught with conflict, I’m glad you have come here.

• Are you a woman who wonders why you keep attracting jerks?
• Are you a man who is stuck in the friend zone with women you want to date?
• Are you married and struggling to end the constant arguments?Are you newly divorced or just experienced a bad breakup?
• Are you widowed and wondering whether you are ready to date again?

For Singles:
If you have not dated in a long time, you may be overwhelmed with the changes that have happened since you last dated.

• Are you skeptical about online dating?
• Does texting as a way of communicating about a date baffle you?
• Do you wonder if everyone has lost their minds and their manners?
• Are you worried about whether you are too old (out of shape, out of touch, wrinkled, old-fashioned, unattractive, etc.) to find someone to share the rest of your life with?

For couples:

• Are you worried that the constant arguing is tearing you apart?
• Do you wonder if marriage is all it’s cracked up to be?
• Do you wish you could just come home to a peaceful place, like you remember when you were first in love?

Whether you are Single and seeking the one for you or you are a Couple who wants to rediscover the passion you once were sure would last forever, I would love to talk with you about how I can help.

What are some things coaching can do for you?

For Singles:

• Learn so much about how to date successfully that it becomes easy as pie
• Recognize those red flags instantly and know when (and how) to walk away
• Change your negative dating patterns for good
• Learn to attract the one for you
• Understand how to “be yourself” by becoming the best “you” you can be

For Couples:

• Rekindle the love you thought was lost
• Learn how to diffuse arguments easily
• Get your needs met
• Speak your truth without fearing an ugly argument or silent treatment
• Spend more time loving each other

Of course, I work only with people who are highly motivated and committed to improve themselves and their relationships. If you are a complainer or someone who says, “yet, but”  to everything, you and I are probably not a good fit to work together. If, however, you are eager to learn and open to the possibility that what you will learn will make you uncomfortable, you and I might just do well to work together. You will be uncomfortable because coaching takes you out of your comfort zone. If you let it, coaching can stretch you and challenge you to improve yourself.

I have several programs to fit your needs, including

• Conscious Dating
• Conscious Mating
• True Love Relationship Coaching
• From Loss to Love Again

Where do you begin? Email me at

michelle (at) trueloverelationshipcoaching.com or

michelle (at) fromlosstoloveagain.com

and we’ll set a time for a complimentary Get Acquainted Session. This session is done over the phone.  During this session we will talk about your needs, desires, and goals and figure out together which program you would be best suited for.

Not ready for coaching quite yet? No problem! You can join me on any of my Ask Michelle Anything calls/webinars by signing up at http://askmichelleanything.com.